This is hard to say. But it's true.
Some days, I'm not a very good mom. Those days, I DON'T do my best. And while I appreciate all of the wonderful friends who are quick to reassure me, "it's okay, you're human", I always have to be careful to ensure that doesn't become a trap, letting me off the hook day after day.
Because the thing is, it's NOT ok to be cavalier about damaging the hearts of our children. Whether we intend to or not, whether parenting is hard or not, we just can't see it as "okay".
The Middle Ground
Now, I'm not suggesting that I should beat myself up and be filled with shame and condemnation over my mistakes or humanity either. But there's a middle place between that dark space, and, glib "It's okay". That middle place brings me to my knees in prayer, that sounds (when I have words to pray, that is), like this:
"God...I didn't do my best parenting today. I know I could have done better, but, I didn't, for a variety of reasons, none of which really matter. Lord I know with your help, I can do better tomorrow. Help me heal the hearts I might have bruised. Help me erase the sound of an angry voice with the sound of a loving one tomorrow. Give me your wisdom, God. Help me use it to treasure these girls . Send your angels of heaven to fill this home, because sweet Jesus, I can't do this alone."
Million Dollar Choice
I grew up with lots of anger in my family, and, carried that forward into parenthood. When Skye was maybe 8 months old, I realized I wanted to figure that out and get it dealt with, for once and for all. I wanted it to stop with me and go no further. My counsellor (a Christian woman too) would ask "could you have kept yourself from yelling, if someone stood there with $1 million for the mom who spoke softly?" (the answer, of course, in my case was uncomfortably, but honestly, "yes"). I COULD have kept myself from yelling, for $1 million.
That meant yelling was NOT an understandable, unavoidable reflex, but instead, a split-second choice that I made. Yes, I'm trying to break multi-generational habits of anger and even, at times, violence. Yes, I've been on my own for years now and momming by day and working by night means I'm tired. But God is in me (as in everyone who lets Him in), and, He is so much stronger than all that. And my children's hearts, minds, and souls are worth far more than $1 million.
Teach Me
Every moment of parenting, we have the opportunity to make a choice. Give in to our weak humanity that leaves room for the enemy to work, or, call on God, Jesus, and angels to help us be bigger and stronger than that.
"God, I know I can't do this on my own. I keep trying, I keep making a mess of it. God, forgive me for any damage I've done to your precious creations, these kids. Or anyone else. Forgive me for my sins. Help me do better, God, I know you can, I pray you will. Teach me. Amen."